How to build a Phallic Wine Cellar

Priapus, the Greek mythological god and protector of the male genitalia was known for his humorously over-sized permanent erection. He would later become the envy of modern man. Today the Phallus and Phallic symbols are all around us, the Washington Monument in Washington, D.C., The Eiffel Tower in Paris, and the Cod pieces of Alex and his Droogs of Clockwork Orange. Man is always trying to find ways to…ahem, enlarge, broaden, elongate, and make up for his lack of dick. This ancient obsession with grandeur extends into all phases of one’s life, even his wine cellar. Yes, even your cellar can be phallic. As a worker drone in the wine industry people always ask me “how can I design a really badass cellar?” What they really mean is: How can I make my cellar an extension of my cock? Well, it’s really not that hard (That’s what she said) Let’s begin.

Tip: In order to truly create the ultimate phallic cellar you’re going to need points, and what I mean by points is, Wine Spectator/Wine Advocate points. Try and buy only based on points. It’s easier this way. C’mon! You’re building a fucking cellar here, you needn’t waste a moment of your precious time at boring tastings trying to develop your palate and learn about wine. All the work has already been done for you by these magazine wine journalist geniuses. The only caveat is that points cost cash, but cash you’ve got so, no biggie.

2009 Saxum James Berry Vineyard Paso Robles, California $550

Ah yes, and speaking of points, we have here the all-time points beast of Paso Robles. Saxum. A consistent 99 point wine regardless of vintage. You cannot go wrong with Saxum when designing your phallic cellar. First off it has legs! Lots of them, and my are they long. 16% ABV long. You see, alcohol is to wine what fat is to Kobe beef, flavor! Your cellar is gonna need this flavor. The current waiting list is lengthy 8====> and these wines are very, very hard <====8 to track down, and when you do you’ll be paying  $500+Ive traveled to places where you can adopt a kid, buy a vital organ, and get a hand job for less.

Sine Qua Non Sixteen B20 in my Head of the Naked Truth from my Ventriloquist of Atlantis Fe, Somewhere in California

Re-read Saxum…..but add an extra $100 to each bottle because SQN uses weird-ass bottles and have wax capsules, and those cost more.

2007 Screaming Eagle, Napa California $2.500

Why the Chinese nouveau riche have yet to jump on the Screaming Eagle bandwagon is beyond me. You would think that a small production cult wine would be right up their alley. Oh well…their loss. More for you, and your wide, girthy, and large, yes large cellar.

2010 Château Lafite-Rothschild Bordeaux Futures $1.600

You will have to shank some rich-ass Chinese guy named Dong to even get a whiff of this shit.

Louis Roederer Cristal Champagne $200

You will have to shank some crazy ass rapper called (rapper name goes here) to even get a whiff of this shit.

2009 Kosta-Browne Pinot Noir Sonoma Coast $100

BOOM! This ain’t your Papas Pinot. It’s got balls…and…and..It’s got points…..95 of ’em and some big phallic-like awards too. Hmmm…scratch the Kosta-Browne, I have an idea: $2 6-pack of Coke+$20 bottle of Jack=a savings of……….a major disappointment if you like real Pinot Noir.

2008 Domaine de la Romanée-Conti, Romanée-Conti Grand Cru  $10.000

This fucking wine, this mother……I have nothing bad to say.

-Scott Arellano Borges


  1. Nubian · December 12, 2011

    Bloody Brilliant!! Now I just need to win the lottery and have you over to help me build my cellar.

  2. Txiki Boateng · December 12, 2011

    The Chinese guy named Dong will then go to the high class social event and dump it into a punch bowl with everyone else’s high end Bordeauxs. Weak

    • evilbottle · December 13, 2011

      That’s because Dong is ballin’ If you want to really taste all of what Bordeaux terroir has to offer, you’ve got to dump it all into a punch bowl, mix it all up, maybe even pour in some Vodka to give all that terroir a little kick.

  3. Beau (@UCBeau) · December 15, 2011

    No Cristal? No over-hyped Aussie or Washington syrahs? Dang man! 😉

    • evilbottle · December 15, 2011

      I’ll leave the rest up to your own Imagination, but yes you could easily include Quilceda Creek, Cayuse, Penfold’s Grange, etc, etc.

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