Wine Biz Bad Asses Symposium: Napa Cab

The annual Wine Biz Bad Asses Symposium is a fictitious annual event bringing together 3 of the world’s greatest wine writers, and also Steve Heimoff. This year Steve, Robert Parker Jr. Jancis Robinson, and James Suckling tasted and discussed the Cabernet Sauvignon of Napa Valley, California, a region whose recent vintages have been celebrated as examples of the most austere, rustic, and age-worthy Cabernet Sauvignons in the history of the world. The 3 wines tasted; all classic examples of Napa Valley terroir, are benchmarks of the region, and the variety.

2007 Opus One

Robert Parker Jr: This wine represents how awesome of an affect I’ve had on wine “engineering”. A wine “engineered” to exactly my liking, It tastes of splinters, and Luden’s cherry flavored cough drops, and is as big, round, and robust as Kim Kardashian’s badonkadonk. A stunner. Kudos Opus, kudos.

Steve Heimoff: Is this Russian River Valley?

Moderator: No Steve, they’re all Napa

Steve Heimoff: Oh, did I mention I know a Shit-ton about Russian River Valley?

James Suckling: 94 Points!

Moderator: Would you like to elaborate Mr. Suckling?

James Suckling: I’m 94 points on this, that is all.

Jancis Robinson: I’ve sampled plonk topper from Bordeaux Supérieur that tasted better.

2008 Caymus Special Edition

James Suckling: I’m 98 points on this one!

Moderator: Anything else Mr. Suckling?

James Suckling: Yeah, I really like this one…so….BOOOM! 98 points!

Jancis Robinson: This is almost worthy enough of being topper for the Opus One.

Steve Heimoff: When are we getting to the Russian River stuff? Thing is, I know a shitload about that place. I wrote a book.

Robert Parker Jr: Caymus is a perfect example of everything that is right with my influence on Napa. I hope Antonio(Galloni) doesn’t go over there and fuck up all of this high alcohol, oaked-up awesomeness that my points, and I have inspired.

2008 Orin Swift Mercury Head

Robert Parker Jr: Another example of how my palate has changed the wine-drinking world for the good. Because of moi, you no longer need to cellar AN-Y-THING. This wine is drinkable right now, and will improve greatly of the next 2-3 weeks. Drink now or hold let’s say…..2-3 weeks.

Steve Heimoff: Worst Russian River Pinot EV-ER.

Jancis Robinson: This wine reminds me of something, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, oh wait a tick there it is, stuck fermentation topper.

James Suckling: This thing kinda sucks so, BOOM! 93 points.

Moderator: Mr. Suckling, it sucks but you award it 93 points?

James Suckling: Yeah. It was my least favorite so I gave it the lowest score….duh.

At this moment in the tasting Dave Phinney of Orin Swift Cellars sprints up to the podium, and proclaims “I have something to say, that was not actually Mercury Head”  The room goes silent,  Phinney continues, “Mercury Head is extremely popular and we ran out of juice, so I pulled a Schild and I sourced the closest substitute I could find. what was in your glasses was actually this

(The Wine Biz Bad Ass Symposium doesn’t actually exist, the events described here never took place)

C.R.E.A.M. Champagne Rules Everything Around Me

People try too damn hard when pairing food and wine. The more exotic the food and wine combo, the more they beat their chests. Wine drinkers are always trying to find ways to make red wines fit with the food they’re pairing it with. LET IT GO ALREADY.  I like reds just as much as you, but it doesn’t work with everything. When it comes to pairing, whites work more often than reds, but by a wide margin Champagne trumps all. As far as I’m concerned Champagne pairs with basically EVERYTHING.  Let’s break it down with a chart so that Millenials can understand what the fuck I’m trying to explain.

Give it a try. Throw out your most outlandish list, and I guarantee that Champagne will more often than not be the better partner. The question is simple: If only allowed to have one wine for eternity to pair with food, which would it be? You can have your Lafite and your Screaming Eagle. I’ll take bubbles.

Fruity Pebble Wine

Like most kids, I watched a lot of cartoons on Saturday mornings,  and even now I’ll indulge in the occasional episode of Dragon Ball Z Kai (or Death Note or Attack on Titan) Cartoons are rad. Cartoon Wines are not. A Cartoon Wine can be hard to identify to the untrained palate. Luckily for you, I’m here to help snuff these impostors out

  • RS(residual sugar). Just like a bowl of Count Chocula, a Cartoon wine will contain higher than normal sugar levels.
  • Dearth of acid. Real wines have a backbone. This backbone is acid. If your wine has no acid, it probably has the the structure of a bowl of Trix.
  • Over-Oaked. Many an unscrupulous winemaker will make up for cellar room and vineyard management fuck ups by oaking the shit out wines to give them the tannin they were robbed of the when the decision was made to let ’em hang until they shrivel into raisins, over-manipulate,  and finish the whole experiment off with a dollop of good ol’ (preferably new) American Oak . It’s like finding out Skeletor, once  unmasked is actually Richard Simmons. Scary stuff.
  • High Alcohol. When I was in High School, my friends and I persuaded($bribed$) a bum to buy us a bottle of Everclear. I poured it into a glass of grape Kool-Aide and lit it on fire. It was pretty fucking dope. You might be able to do the same with a glass of Cartoon wine.
  • Homogeneity. Yeah, it’s a real word. It means that god-awful shit in your glass doesn’t really taste like it comes from anywhere. Is it from Spain or Chile? Who the fuck knows? And who actually cares? What variety(s) is it made from? I can’t tell. Can you?

The drinking of these wines is like watching Hentai, you know, cartoon porn?(don’t act like you’ve never seen it). It’s not real porn, because they’re not real people fucking. It’s just animation. It’s just fake. Just like cartoon wines.