Coffin Wines

We humans…..we have a macabre obsession with mortality, and a pathetic compulsion to accomplish ridiculously myopic objectives: a triad with hot twins, eating Foie Gras with a bottle of Château d’Yquem, discovering who the creator of Death Note is. However these achievements are purely evanescent, as the memories will only last as long as your life does. So, I say take a different approach, an everlasting one that will endure the test of time. Ask yourself this question; What wine must I have in my hand as the Angel of Death escorts me through Abaddon? Most people would call them Desert Island Wines, but a fucking Pollyanna I am not, so they’re Coffin Wines, alright? No, I don’t want to be buried in my favorite suit and tie….hell, throw me in the sepulcher naked, just don’t forget to toss in my wine.

My Coffin Wines

López de Heredia Viña Bosconia Reserva La Rioja, Spain (current release 2002)

Remove the satin from my coffin, throw out the pillows, and make me room for a case of this shit. It is my favorite Rioja, and it will always be tits regardless of vintage. This tinto draws a line in the sand between people who understand and appreciate real wine, and the pretenders. If you can’t get on-board with this wine, then you should stick to drinking Red Bull Vodkas or some cupcake, bullshit cocktail wine you’ve got stashed away in your cupboard.

1996 Krug Champagne Brut, France

If my insurance pays out enough, my last wish is to be embalmed with this fizz. Lots of people do not understand vintage Krug. They’re under the assumption that you should be drinking it upon release, and subsequently, I hear lots of negative comments about this wine, asinine comments like; “overpriced and over-hyped”. Here’s the deal; you absolutely can drink it now if you want, but if you do, you don’t fucking get it, and you’re going to miss out on all that this wine has to offer as it develops over the years. Look at this wine like a Grand Cru Burgundy or a higher growth Bordeaux, it needs some cellar time. Give it a few years, and reap the benefits, that’s what I’ll be doing with it as we decompose for an eternity, together.

2001 Emmerich Knoll Wachau Riesling, Smaragd Reid Loibenberg, Austria

It’s fucking blazing in hell, and Satan and I are sweating are asses off down here, so when we’re radiating this much we like to cool down with a Riesling, and our Riesling of choice is Emmerich Knoll from the Wachau valley in Austria. Even God and his cherubs are jealous of our juice. Too bad, Satan is a bitter-ass bitch, so he isn’t sharing one damn drop with y’all.

2010 Domaine Tempier Rosé Bandol, France

When Mother Mary weeps, it pours seasoned neutral barrels full of this salmon colored virginal holiness of a wine. I talk a lot about this wine. I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about it. I don’t give a shit, here it is again. I will not be satisfied until everyone has tried it. This wine is epic. It is a wine of biblical awesomeness that man cannot comprehend without divine guidance.

2001 Château Suduiraut Sauternes Bordeaux, France

An unreal vintage, an unprecedented wine from an incredible producer; Suduiraut. It’s not cheap, but hey, neither is a funeral. God wants you to be happy even though you’re a total disappointment to him, and basically a fuck up even in your mother’s eyes,  he has none the less bequeathed unto us this holy golden, sappy, serous gift. God still loves your sinning ass, so make it up to him by drinking this shit until Armageddon cometh.

Eternity is a long fucking time, What are your coffin wines gonna be?

Wine Biz Bad Asses Symposium: Napa Cab

The annual Wine Biz Bad Asses Symposium is a fictitious annual event bringing together 3 of the world’s greatest wine writers, and also Steve Heimoff. This year Steve, Robert Parker Jr. Jancis Robinson, and James Suckling tasted and discussed the Cabernet Sauvignon of Napa Valley, California, a region whose recent vintages have been celebrated as examples of the most austere, rustic, and age-worthy Cabernet Sauvignons in the history of the world. The 3 wines tasted; all classic examples of Napa Valley terroir, are benchmarks of the region, and the variety.

2007 Opus One

Robert Parker Jr: This wine represents how awesome of an affect I’ve had on wine “engineering”. A wine “engineered” to exactly my liking, It tastes of splinters, and Luden’s cherry flavored cough drops, and is as big, round, and robust as Kim Kardashian’s badonkadonk. A stunner. Kudos Opus, kudos.

Steve Heimoff: Is this Russian River Valley?

Moderator: No Steve, they’re all Napa

Steve Heimoff: Oh, did I mention I know a Shit-ton about Russian River Valley?

James Suckling: 94 Points!

Moderator: Would you like to elaborate Mr. Suckling?

James Suckling: I’m 94 points on this, that is all.

Jancis Robinson: I’ve sampled plonk topper from Bordeaux Supérieur that tasted better.

2008 Caymus Special Edition

James Suckling: I’m 98 points on this one!

Moderator: Anything else Mr. Suckling?

James Suckling: Yeah, I really like this one…so….BOOOM! 98 points!

Jancis Robinson: This is almost worthy enough of being topper for the Opus One.

Steve Heimoff: When are we getting to the Russian River stuff? Thing is, I know a shitload about that place. I wrote a book.

Robert Parker Jr: Caymus is a perfect example of everything that is right with my influence on Napa. I hope Antonio(Galloni) doesn’t go over there and fuck up all of this high alcohol, oaked-up awesomeness that my points, and I have inspired.

2008 Orin Swift Mercury Head

Robert Parker Jr: Another example of how my palate has changed the wine-drinking world for the good. Because of moi, you no longer need to cellar AN-Y-THING. This wine is drinkable right now, and will improve greatly of the next 2-3 weeks. Drink now or hold let’s say…..2-3 weeks.

Steve Heimoff: Worst Russian River Pinot EV-ER.

Jancis Robinson: This wine reminds me of something, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, oh wait a tick there it is, stuck fermentation topper.

James Suckling: This thing kinda sucks so, BOOM! 93 points.

Moderator: Mr. Suckling, it sucks but you award it 93 points?

James Suckling: Yeah. It was my least favorite so I gave it the lowest score….duh.

At this moment in the tasting Dave Phinney of Orin Swift Cellars sprints up to the podium, and proclaims “I have something to say, that was not actually Mercury Head”  The room goes silent,  Phinney continues, “Mercury Head is extremely popular and we ran out of juice, so I pulled a Schild and I sourced the closest substitute I could find. what was in your glasses was actually this

(The Wine Biz Bad Ass Symposium doesn’t actually exist, the events described here never took place)

How to build a Phallic Wine Cellar

Priapus, the Greek mythological god and protector of the male genitalia was known for his humorously over-sized permanent erection. He would later become the envy of modern man. Today the Phallus and Phallic symbols are all around us, the Washington Monument in Washington, D.C., The Eiffel Tower in Paris, and the Cod pieces of Alex and his Droogs of Clockwork Orange. Man is always trying to find ways to…ahem, enlarge, broaden, elongate, and make up for his lack of dick. This ancient obsession with grandeur extends into all phases of one’s life, even his wine cellar. Yes, even your cellar can be phallic. As a worker drone in the wine industry people always ask me “how can I design a really badass cellar?” What they really mean is: How can I make my cellar an extension of my cock? Well, it’s really not that hard (That’s what she said) Let’s begin.

Tip: In order to truly create the ultimate phallic cellar you’re going to need points, and what I mean by points is, Wine Spectator/Wine Advocate points. Try and buy only based on points. It’s easier this way. C’mon! You’re building a fucking cellar here, you needn’t waste a moment of your precious time at boring tastings trying to develop your palate and learn about wine. All the work has already been done for you by these magazine wine journalist geniuses. The only caveat is that points cost cash, but cash you’ve got so, no biggie.

2009 Saxum James Berry Vineyard Paso Robles, California $550

Ah yes, and speaking of points, we have here the all-time points beast of Paso Robles. Saxum. A consistent 99 point wine regardless of vintage. You cannot go wrong with Saxum when designing your phallic cellar. First off it has legs! Lots of them, and my are they long. 16% ABV long. You see, alcohol is to wine what fat is to Kobe beef, flavor! Your cellar is gonna need this flavor. The current waiting list is lengthy 8====> and these wines are very, very hard <====8 to track down, and when you do you’ll be paying  $500+Ive traveled to places where you can adopt a kid, buy a vital organ, and get a hand job for less.

Sine Qua Non Sixteen B20 in my Head of the Naked Truth from my Ventriloquist of Atlantis Fe, Somewhere in California

Re-read Saxum…..but add an extra $100 to each bottle because SQN uses weird-ass bottles and have wax capsules, and those cost more.

2007 Screaming Eagle, Napa California $2.500

Why the Chinese nouveau riche have yet to jump on the Screaming Eagle bandwagon is beyond me. You would think that a small production cult wine would be right up their alley. Oh well…their loss. More for you, and your wide, girthy, and large, yes large cellar.

2010 Château Lafite-Rothschild Bordeaux Futures $1.600

You will have to shank some rich-ass Chinese guy named Dong to even get a whiff of this shit.

Louis Roederer Cristal Champagne $200

You will have to shank some crazy ass rapper called (rapper name goes here) to even get a whiff of this shit.

2009 Kosta-Browne Pinot Noir Sonoma Coast $100

BOOM! This ain’t your Papas Pinot. It’s got balls…and…and..It’s got points…..95 of ’em and some big phallic-like awards too. Hmmm…scratch the Kosta-Browne, I have an idea: $2 6-pack of Coke+$20 bottle of Jack=a savings of……….a major disappointment if you like real Pinot Noir.

2008 Domaine de la Romanée-Conti, Romanée-Conti Grand Cru  $10.000

This fucking wine, this mother……I have nothing bad to say.


C.R.E.A.M. Champagne Rules Everything Around Me

People try too damn hard when pairing food and wine. The more exotic the food and wine combo, the more they beat their chests. Wine drinkers are always trying to find ways to make red wines fit with the food they’re pairing it with. LET IT GO ALREADY.  I like reds just as much as you, but it doesn’t work with everything. When it comes to pairing, whites work more often than reds, but by a wide margin Champagne trumps all. As far as I’m concerned Champagne pairs with basically EVERYTHING.  Let’s break it down with a chart so that Millenials can understand what the fuck I’m trying to explain.

Give it a try. Throw out your most outlandish list, and I guarantee that Champagne will more often than not be the better partner. The question is simple: If only allowed to have one wine for eternity to pair with food, which would it be? You can have your Lafite and your Screaming Eagle. I’ll take bubbles.



Fruity Pebble Wine

Like most kids, I watched a lot of cartoons on Saturday mornings,  and even now I’ll indulge in the occasional episode of Dragon Ball Z Kai (or Death Note or Attack on Titan…Death Parade anyone?) Cartoons are rad. Cartoon Wines are not. A Cartoon Wine can be hard to identify to the untrained palate. Luckily for you, I’m here to help snuff these impostors out

  • RS(residual sugar). Just like a bowl of Count Chocula, a Cartoon wine will contain higher than normal sugar levels.
  • Dearth of acid. Real wines have a backbone. This backbone is acid. If your wine has no acid, it probably has the the structure of a bowl of Trix.
  • Over-Oaked. Many an unscrupulous winemaker will make up for cellar room and vineyard management fuck-ups by oaking the shit out wines to give them the tannin they were robbed of the when the decision was made to let ’em hang until they shrivel into raisins, over-manipulate,  and finish the whole experiment off with a dollop of good ol’ (preferably new) American Oak . It’s like finding out Skeletor, once  unmasked is actually Richard Simmons. Scary stuff.
  • High Alcohol. When I was in High School, my friends and I persuaded ($bribed$) a bum to buy us a bottle of Everclear. I poured it into a glass of grape Kool-Aide and lit that shit on fire. It was pretty fucking dope. You might be able to do the same with a glass of Cartoon wine.
  • Homogeneity. Yeah, it’s a real word. It means that god-awful shit in your glass doesn’t really taste like it comes from anywhere. Is it from Spain or Chile? Who the fuck knows? And who actually cares? What variety(s) is it made from? I can’t tell. Can you?

The drinking of these wines is like watching Hentai, you know, cartoon porn? (don’t act like you’ve never seen it). It’s not real porn, because they’re not real people fucking. It’s just animation. It’s just fake. Just like cartoon wines.