We humans…..we have a macabre obsession with mortality, and a pathetic compulsion to accomplish ridiculously myopic objectives: a triad with hot twins, eating Foie Gras with a bottle of Château d’Yquem, discovering who the creator of Death Note is. However these achievements are purely evanescent, as the memories will only last as long as your life does. So, I say take a different approach, an everlasting one that will endure the test of time. Ask yourself this question; What wine must I have in my hand as the Angel of Death escorts me through Abaddon? Most people would call them Desert Island Wines, but a fucking Pollyanna I am not, so they’re Coffin Wines, alright? No, I don’t want to be buried in my favorite suit and tie….hell, throw me in the sepulcher naked, just don’t forget to toss in my wine.
My Coffin Wines
López de Heredia Viña Bosconia Reserva La Rioja, Spain (current release 2002)
Remove the satin from my coffin, throw out the pillows, and make me room for a case of this shit. It is my favorite Rioja, and it will always be tits regardless of vintage. This tinto draws a line in the sand between people who understand and appreciate real wine, and the pretenders. If you can’t get on-board with this wine, then you should stick to drinking Red Bull Vodkas or some cupcake, bullshit cocktail wine you’ve got stashed away in your cupboard.
1996 Krug Champagne Brut, France
If my insurance pays out enough, my last wish is to be embalmed with this fizz. Lots of people do not understand vintage Krug. They’re under the assumption that you should be drinking it upon release, and subsequently, I hear lots of negative comments about this wine, asinine comments like; “overpriced and over-hyped”. Here’s the deal; you absolutely can drink it now if you want, but if you do, you don’t fucking get it, and you’re going to miss out on all that this wine has to offer as it develops over the years. Look at this wine like a Grand Cru Burgundy or a higher growth Bordeaux, it needs some cellar time. Give it a few years, and reap the benefits, that’s what I’ll be doing with it as we decompose for an eternity, together.
2001 Emmerich Knoll Wachau Riesling, Smaragd Reid Loibenberg, Austria
It’s fucking blazing in hell, and Satan and I are sweating are asses off down here, so when we’re radiating this much we like to cool down with a Riesling, and our Riesling of choice is Emmerich Knoll from the Wachau valley in Austria. Even God and his cherubs are jealous of our juice. Too bad, Satan is a bitter-ass bitch, so he isn’t sharing one damn drop with y’all.
When Mother Mary weeps, it pours seasoned neutral barrels full of this salmon colored virginal holiness of a wine. I talk a lot about this wine. I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about it. I don’t give a shit, here it is again. I will not be satisfied until everyone has tried it. This wine is epic. It is a wine of biblical awesomeness that man cannot comprehend without divine guidance.
2001 Château Suduiraut Sauternes Bordeaux, France
An unreal vintage, an unprecedented wine from an incredible producer; Suduiraut. It’s not cheap, but hey, neither is a funeral. God wants you to be happy even though you’re a total disappointment to him, and basically a fuck up even in your mother’s eyes, he has none the less bequeathed unto us this holy golden, sappy, serous gift. God still loves your sinning ass, so make it up to him by drinking this shit until Armageddon cometh.
Eternity is a long fucking time, What are your coffin wines gonna be?