The annual Wine Biz Bad Asses Symposium is a fictitious annual event bringing together 3 of the world’s greatest wine writers, and also Steve Heimoff. This year Steve, Robert Parker Jr. Jancis Robinson, and James Suckling tasted and discussed the Cabernet Sauvignon of Napa Valley, California, a region whose recent vintages have been celebrated as examples of the most austere, rustic, and age-worthy Cabernet Sauvignons in the world. The 3 wines tasted; all classic examples of Napa Valley terroir, are benchmarks of the region, and the variety.
2007 Opus One
Robert Parker Jr: This wine represents how awesome of an affect I’ve had on wine “engineering”. A wine “engineered” to exactly my liking, It tastes of splinters, and Luden’s cherry flavored cough drops, and is as big, round, and robust as Kim Kardashian’s badonkadonk . A stunner. Kudos Opus, kudos.
Steve Heimoff: Is this Russian River Valley?
Moderator: No Steve, they’re all Napa
Steve Heimoff: Oh, did I mention I know a Shit-ton about Russian River Valley?
James Suckling: 94 Points!
Moderator: Would you like to elaborate Mr. Suckling?
James Suckling: I’m 94 points on this, that is all.
Jancis Robinson: I’ve sampled plonk topper from Bordeaux Supérieur that tasted better.
2008 Caymus Special Edition
James Suckling: I’m 98 points on this one!
Moderator: Anything else Mr. Suckling?
James Suckling: Yeah, I really like this one…so….BOOOM! 98 points!
Jancis Robinson: This is almost worthy enough of being topper for the Opus One.
Steve Heimoff: When are we getting to the Russian River stuff? Thing is, I know a shitload about that place. I wrote a book.
Robert Parker Jr: Caymus is a perfect example of everything that is right with my influence on Napa. I hope Antonio(Galloni) doesn’t go over there and fuck up all of this high alcohol, oaked-up awesomeness that my points, and I have inspired.
2008 Orin Swift Mercury Head
Robert Parker Jr: Another example of how my palate has changed the wine-drinking world for the good. Because of moi, you no longer need to cellar AN-Y-THING. This wine is drinkable right now, and will improve greatly of the next 2-3 weeks. Drink now or hold let’s say…..2-3 weeks.
Steve Heimoff: Worst Russian River Pinot EVER.
Jancis Robinson: This wine reminds me of something, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, oh wait a tick there it is, stuck fermentation topper.
James Suckling: This thing kinda sucks so, BOOM! 93 points.
Moderator: Mr. Suckling, it sucks but you award it 93 points?
James Suckling: Yeah. It was my least favorite so I gave it the lowest score….duh.
At this moment in the tasting Dave Phinney of Orin Swift Cellars sprints up to the podium, and proclaims “I have something to say, that was not actually Mercury Head” The room goes silent, Phinney continues, “Mercury Head is extremely popular and we ran out of juice, so I pulled a Schild and I sourced the closest substitute I could find. what was in your glasses was actually this”
(The Wine Biz Bad Ass Symposium doesn’t actually exist, the events described here never took place)