Like most kids, I watched a lot of cartoons on Saturday mornings, and even now I’ll indulge in the occasional episode of Dragon Ball Z Kai (or Death Note or Attack on Titan…Death Parade anyone?) Cartoons are rad. Cartoon Wines are not. A Cartoon Wine can be hard to identify to the untrained palate. Luckily for you, I’m here to help snuff these impostors out
- RS(residual sugar). Just like a bowl of Count Chocula, a Cartoon wine will contain higher than normal sugar levels.
- Dearth of acid. Real wines have a backbone. This backbone is acid. If your wine has no acid, it probably has the the structure of a bowl of Trix.
- Over-Oaked. Many an unscrupulous winemaker will make up for cellar room and vineyard management fuck-ups by oaking the shit out wines to give them the tannin they were robbed of the when the decision was made to let ’em hang until they shrivel into raisins, over-manipulate, and finish the whole experiment off with a dollop of good ol’ (preferably new) American Oak . It’s like finding out Skeletor, once unmasked is actually Richard Simmons. Scary stuff.
- High Alcohol. When I was in High School, my friends and I persuaded ($bribed$) a bum to buy us a bottle of Everclear. I poured it into a glass of grape Kool-Aide and lit that shit on fire. It was pretty fucking dope. You might be able to do the same with a glass of Cartoon wine.
- Homogeneity. Yeah, it’s a real word. It means that god-awful shit in your glass doesn’t really taste like it comes from anywhere. Is it from Spain or Chile? Who the fuck knows? And who actually cares? What variety(s) is it made from? I can’t tell. Can you?
The drinking of these wines is like watching Hentai, you know, cartoon porn? (don’t act like you’ve never seen it). It’s not real porn, because they’re not real people fucking. It’s just animation. It’s just fake. Just like cartoon wines.
-Scott Arellano Borges