Candy Ass Holiday Wines 101

Hello everyone, and happy fucking holidays! Tis’ the season to invite your intrusive neighbors, odious co-workers and estranged family members over for wildly unamusing, laborious holiday cheer! Since most of your colleagues are twits when it comes to wine, you’re going to have to dig deep, dumb down your palate and pull some serious bullshit donkey piss out of your ass in order to keep your guests lubed-up, and joyful. This can be harder than you think. Years of palate training must be brushed aside in order to make such selections. I’m doing you a solid, taking one for the team, and compiling the must have holiday party wine list.

Any wine from Owen Roe, Washington, Oregon, wherever

Owen Roe Winery makes it easy on the consumer, they make wine with flashy packaging and market themselves as sort of a luxury brand at an affordable price. The entire line of wines has a certain uniformity to it that is downright detestable. Every single offering tastes like the next regardless of what variety is in it, and what vineyard the fruit was sourced from. It is so bland, and characterless it reminds me a lot of John Kerry. The good news is, you friends will be sold on the artsy-fartsy label.

Sanford Vin Gris, Santa Lucia Highlands, CA

You cannot impress your friends serving them white zin from a box, but you’ll need to have a Rosé on hand, so you’re gonna need Sanford Vin Gris. This wine’s just about as appetizing as peach Schnapps and, what a shocker, it tastes a lot like it too. A liqueur like liquid hiding behind a wine bottle, Sanford Vin Gris is loaded with alcohol, sugar and a grip of other beneficial nutrients, plus it’s Sanford, so any tool who has seen Sideways will recognize it, and assume you’ve got great taste.

2009 Alto Moncayo, Campo de Borja Spain

Gotta get my last Jay Miller licks in while I still can, so here goes…ahem…Alto Moncayo. A glorious effort, a flawless example of 16% ABV Garnacha that will not age well, tastes like a cherry Blow Pop, and will never complement any food, unless you’re drinking it while licking a strawberry Jolly Rancher off a stripper’s nipple in Tijuana(this may or may not have been an actual event). It is the ultimate Phallic Spanish Garnacha. A must have in the collection of any Phallic wine collector.

Orin Swift Prisoner California

Cocktailium Wineus Maximus is the Latin variety name for the strain of Zinfandel used to make this bodaciously barbaric cocktail of a fucking wine. A brutally crafted “blend” that includes some other varieties that loosely resemble grapes. Higher da brix da better! Extract that baby, you can always water back later(or not). These are the steps to making some bold ass wine-like concoction. It will put hair on your scrotum, make you a man. Rich, savory, oaky, hooray! Crowd pleaser wine for sure. Comes complete with the heaviest-ass fucking bottle in the industry just in case someone gets out of hand, and no shanks or shivs are accessible.

NV Freixenet Cordón Negro Penedès  Spain

It’s a damn holiday fiesta so you have to provide bubbles. You remember those Miller High Life spots that declared their beer the “Champagne” of Beers? Fucking fraudulent, right? Yeah, well Freixenet is the Miller High Life of Cava. Bogus shit bubbles that equate to Catalán calf urine. In fact,  I’d prefer that someone pissed on me instead….bring in R. Kelly, and tell him stay away from my eyes.

6 responses to “Candy Ass Holiday Wines 101

  • Txiki Boateng

    How old is 15 really?

  • Santo Roman

    C’mon bro! How can you even rip the asshole of Owen Roe unless you actually taste the entire line, all the way down to Abbots Table? I mean the labels are tasteful and plain. Maybe I have been a fan of their wines for too long and have been exposed to the difference between Dubrul Vineyard and a generic blend of 4-5 different grapes.

    • evilbottle

      Tasted the entire line, and I personally feel the wines are far from outstanding, and are basically boring. Are they decent daily-drinkers? Maybe. But can you honestly drink one of those wines and tell me that they are outstanding examples of variety or terroir? Doubtful.

  • evilbottle

    Santo, I appreciate that you’re willing to voice your opinion in contrast to mine. It’s truly refreshing to come across someone willing to defend a wine that they believe in. The majority do not share your genuine passion. We’re definitely in agreement that if there is one thing this industry needs, it’s genuine, unbridled passion for real, and authentic wines.

  • santoroman

    Sorry to get back late to this conversation but I was drinking some Owen Roe! Ha!

    Really though…a few months back I was at a wine shop in the area and they were having an Owen Roe tasting. Decided to bring the last bottle of 2001 Owen Roe Dubrul Vineyard Cab. I think I paid about $50 for in back in the day and right now the same bottle with a vintage of ’09 is on our shelf for $73.99. A bit more than I spend for daily drinkers but that’s another conversation. After the lineup I noticed some difference in the wine and how the strength went down yet the earth stood out. Then we cracked opened mine….Shit!!! This thing was a ballbuster. It had power, fruit, spice and every few minutes it was changing. The finish was slicker than snot on a brass doorknob. I mean it was hanging there yet did not want to go away. The nose reminded me of someone cook SPAM in the frying pan but with layers of red and black fruit.

    Now the new vintages we’ve tried and although they are young, if decanted (3-4 hours) they do start to show some depth but I don’t think this is a wine that will show its true colors for at least 10 years. The Abbots table wine…I can’t keep it on the shelf. Even at $22 a bottle the wine moves and I really try not to tell people about it as Nicole keeps yelling at me that if we sell it all, we won’t have any for the cellar at home.

    Keep tasting and keep writing! We need people to wake up from the last 20+ years of pointless crap! Pun intended.


    • evilbottle

      Santo, your candor is immensely appreciated on this blog. The ultimate desideratum of my articles is to force people to look at what they’re consuming, and at times defend their beliefs. No one person is the ultimate authority on what is a good wine. It will always be based upon opinion. However we can all agree that wine should always be unique, and have a certain consciousness of place and typicité of variety. I feel compelled to take a journey to the great Northwest, and you and I would have a nice long tête-à-tête discussion over a bottle of real wine. Cheers

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