Hello everyone, and happy fucking holidays! Tis’ the season to invite your intrusive neighbors, odious co-workers and estranged family members over for wildly unamusing, laborious holiday cheer! Since most of your colleagues are twits when it comes to wine, you’re going to have to dig deep, dumb down your palate and pull some serious bullshit donkey piss out of your ass in order to keep your guests lubed-up, and joyful. This can be harder than you think. Years of palate training must be brushed aside in order to make such selections. I’m doing you a solid, taking one for the team, and compiling the must have holiday party wine list.
Any wine from Owen Roe, Washington, Oregon, wherever
Owen Roe Winery makes it easy on the consumer, they make wine with flashy packaging and market themselves as sort of a luxury brand at an affordable price. The entire line of wines has a certain uniformity to it that is downright detestable. Every single offering tastes like the next regardless of what variety is in it, and what vineyard the fruit was sourced from. It is so bland, and characterless it reminds me a lot of John Kerry. The good news is, you friends will be sold on the artsy-fartsy label.
Sanford Vin Gris, Santa Lucia Highlands, CA
You cannot impress your friends serving them white zin from a box, but you’ll need to have a Rosé on hand, so you’re gonna need Sanford Vin Gris. This wine’s just about as appetizing as peach Schnapps and, what a shocker, it tastes a lot like it too. A liqueur like liquid hiding behind a wine bottle, Sanford Vin Gris is loaded with alcohol, sugar and a grip of other beneficial nutrients, plus it’s Sanford, so any tool who has seen Sideways will recognize it, and assume you’ve got great taste.
2009 Alto Moncayo, Campo de Borja Spain
Gotta get my last Jay Miller licks in while I still can, so here goes…ahem…Alto Moncayo. A glorious effort, a flawless example of 16% ABV Garnacha that will not age well, tastes like a cherry Blow Pop, and will never complement any food, unless you’re drinking it while licking a strawberry Jolly Rancher off a stripper’s nipple in Tijuana(this may or may not have been an actual event). It is the ultimate Phallic Spanish Garnacha. A must have in the collection of any Phallic wine collector.
Orin Swift Prisoner California
Cocktailium Wineus Maximus is the Latin variety name for the strain of Zinfandel used to make this bodaciously barbaric cocktail of a fucking wine. A brutally crafted “blend” that includes some other varieties that loosely resemble grapes. Higher da brix da better! Extract that baby, you can always water back later(or not). These are the steps to making some bold ass wine-like concoction. It will put hair on your scrotum, make you a man. Rich, savory, oaky, hooray! Crowd pleaser wine for sure. Comes complete with the heaviest-ass fucking bottle in the industry just in case someone gets out of hand, and no shanks or shivs are accessible.
NV Freixenet Cordón Negro Penedès Spain
It’s a damn holiday fiesta so you have to provide bubbles. You remember those Miller High Life spots that declared their beer the “Champagne” of Beers? Fucking fraudulent, right? Yeah, well Freixenet is the Miller High Life of Cava. Bogus shit bubbles that equate to Catalán calf urine. In fact, I’d prefer that someone pissed on me instead….bring in R. Kelly, and tell him stay away from my eyes.